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I LIVE HERE!

So I will not be sleeping tonight…. The scariest thing just happened 10 minutes ago. Figaro and I fell asleep around 4AM. Lately Figaro has been waking up at strange hours and barking into the darkness (yeah, creepy- but I love him) but this morning the noises were knocks at the door, and keys jingling. Here’s the tea…

I was pissed off because I had just got to sleep. I walked into my living room and there was a man standing outside trying to get in my apartment.

Figaro was barking like crazy and I yelled “what the fuck are you doing?”

He responded “I live here!” I screamed “GO AWAY, NO YOU DON’T!!”

He backed away from the door and his pants were undone, belt and everything. I was just screaming in my window at him. LOL! He was staggering around pacing the balcony.

I called 911 because my bat is in my trunk. I was in a state of panic.

Thank God for this man that I locked my door because if he would have came into my apartment belligerently drunk like that with his pants undone WAKING ME UP, he would have left here dongless. I would have let him bleed out on my floor.

Thank you Grandma for all those years, warning me to always lock the door when I’m in the house alone. She instilled the fear of every possible bad scenario that could happen if the door was left unlocked in me since childhood. She saved this man’s life.

He walked past my door again and I grabbed a knife. “GO AWAY!!” I yelled again!

The operator said the cops were on their way. My heart was beating so fast.

The cop arrived and said they found him in the lobby completely wasted, disheveled, slurring his words.

“OK. But why was he trying to come into my apartment telling me he lived here? He doesn’t live here. Me and my dog live here.” I said frazzled. The officer laughed and said the guy lives on the 8thfloor. He must have confused the floors.

Seriously, how drunk was this guy that he tries to go in an apartment that’s not his and tell the person that actually lives there that he lives in there too. I started laughing. “Well that makes me feel better.” I said. I felt dumb for calling 9-1-1, but he said I did the right thing because I didn’t know.

I sat down on my couch to think about everything that has been happening.

A lot of strange shit has been happening to me lately; stray cats posting up at my building conveniently waiting at the door when I come home, birds flying in and sitting across from me while I’m eating lunch, butterflies everywhere…. I’m like St. Francis!

I remembered that I posted a status saying I was manifesting a tall, dark, handsome man earlier in the evening. He was all three of those things, just completely intoxicated and scared me and Figmund.

Slow the fuck down universe. At least let him take me out to dinner first.

I can’t wait to see this guy at the pool!

Now that’s a Miami Sunday morning. #nowthatsthefuckingtea #GOODNIGHT!

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