I was on my way to Ultra Sunday when my sister called and told me my Grandpa had passed away. I didn’t really know how to feel when she told me. My Grandpa and I didn’t have the closest relationship, but I knew the way I was feeling was not normal for what I had just been told. I’m a pretty emotional person. News like this should have devastated me. Instead of crying I stopped in my tracks and turned around to go back to my place. I knew I couldn’t go to the fest now, but what was really concerning me was my inability to process what she just told me. I went home and sat on my couch trying to feel something, anything. Nothing. It was as if I’d become a professional at numbing myself. Here’s the tea…
I didn’t know who to call, so I called Shwolf. I texted him about my Grandpa, no answer, I figured he was busy. He never called or texted me back.
I sat there trying to cry and I couldn’t. I thought about my friend who had recently passed away from an overdose. I cried when I was initially told about it, but only cried at the wake when I saw others crying.
I couldn’t really process that either until later on. I thought about myself as I walked out of the clinic with Shwolf. Is that the day I completely desensitized myself and became an unfeeling terrible person or have I always been pretty shitty and I’m just now realizing it after dealing with The King of Toxicity?
I wanted so badly to feel something, but the only emotion I could feel was anger. I was angry as hell. Angry at Shwolf, angry at my sister for calling me and telling me about my grandpa, angry at my friend for dying, I wanted to rip my house apart, but I resisted the urge.
The next day Shwolf called me and gave his condolences. He apologized he didn’t answer; he was doing something with Griselda. That detail could have been left out. I felt like he wanted me to ask what, but I didn’t.
I told him about how I was feeling and asked if he could come see me. “Not today, Kash. I’m busy.,” he said.
My anger intensified. I felt like I was going to burst into flames. I had to get off the phone. I was going to snap and it wasn’t worth it.
Only when it was convenient for him would he come see me.
Annoyed, I went to look at her Facebook and see what he could have possibly been doing this weekend.
I didn’t see anything from the weekend, but what I did see was a video of Shwolf, Griselda, and her kids making s’mores in their backyard. I immediately started to cry.
There were the tears that I was looking for. It was like the video was there waiting to be viewed by me. All the pain, all of my sadness rose to the surface.
THAT FUCKING CUNT, he said that on purpose about the weekend so I would look at this, which was probably true, but it was my lack of self-control that made me look.
Everything started coming back, everything I pushed aside was there with me in my living room. A year’s worth of suppressed emotions, and feelings were around me.
I grabbed my phone. I had an overwhelming urge to dig. I googled Griselda’s name. A few scattered images came up. I clicked it.
It looked like a picture of her and her dad. I read the caption… It was her husband. “WHAT THE FUCK!” I yelled. My husband “blank” and I at whatever piece of shit event they were at.
BLANK… I started to connect the dots. BLANK was Sheep One’s friend that used to sit at the Sheep’s house and get fucked up while the kids would jump and play on the couches. Sheep Two would complain about having to watch them. Blank was the “Old Man”. This was his ex. It all made sense.
I became even more angry when I thought back to how Shwolf had made me out to be this gold digger to everyone and now he was dating this broad that has to take her kids to visit their dad in the geriatric unit. Maybe she really loved the guy, who knows, but I was seething.
Who dates their “best friend’s” good friend’s ex wife? Are there not enough people down here to branch out of your group of psychotic drug addicted friends or is it best when its kept “in the family” I thought.
Fuck these people. I was so upset and angry. I texted Shwolf literally ten paragraphs going off on him. It was absolute insanity. I had lost it.
I went to a group chat we had from a while ago I sent the photo of Griselda and the Geriatric and I went H.A.M. in there on the sheep and whoever else was in the group chat too.
Every thing I felt was being unloaded on these people and it felt good.
I had promised myself I was not going to tell Griselda about Shwolf and I. I was going to let her find out on her own what kind of person she was dealing with, but that all went out the window that day.
I texted her and told her everything. She responded “Well I know he’s good in bed then if you’re still chasing after him.”
“Yeah, he’s alright.” I replied.
At first I felt a big weight had been lifted off of me. Shwolf texted me this long-winded good-bye forever text that I just deleted and didn’t even read.
He wasn’t even worth a reply. OH FUCK OFF, YOU’LL BE BACK IN 2 MONTHS IF I ALLOW IT, JACKHOLE!
I was so ready to get the hell out of town away from these Devil’s Rejects.
A couple days passed and I started to feel bad for telling her. I just started the same process of what had been done to me for Griselda.
Same week, Friday night I received a text message from Sheep Two basically stating that I have a lot of nerve talking about everyone and Shwolf after he came to my rescue in New Orleans. She said I played him and he is happy now, so why did I have to try and ruin that for him?
That’s really funny, I thought. Shwolf was still playing the “I’ll never be happy” game with me.
Sheep Two just had to tell me “for what it’s worth, he loves her and they are still together.”
I couldn’t help but laugh. This hippopotamus would think that a man cheating on a woman after being in the honeymoon stage with her was love.
Sheep Two knew absolutely nothing about love. She’d been shit on by everyone she was ever with, so her definition and my definition of love were two completely different things. Love to her was if a man bought you Wendy’s or Burger King. #relationshipgoals
Well if that’s love, then I don’t want it. I texted her and went about my night.
I had a few glasses of wine so Kunt Kash was live and in action at midnight. I should have let it go, but I played in to what she wanted to really tell me; How hot Griselda was and how she was a model…
First of all I don’t know any models that are 4’11 and chunky. Plus size? Good for her! I replied. She was saying all the wrong things for what she was trying to do…
It was not what Griselda looked like that bothered me. She was attractive. I would never call her ugly, but we were two completely different people from two different cultures. Shwolf went to the opposite end of the spectrum and said fuck white bitches. I’m going to try this cycle on a Latin bitch.
She was sending me photos of Griselda from 7 years ago trying to make me jealous not knowing that I knew what she looked like currently.
It was the craziest most juvenile thing for an almost 40 year-old woman to be doing to someone else’s ex-girlfriend on a Friday night, but I was entertained nonetheless. Sheep Two really loves Shwolf…
I understand I went off on them in a group text, but that was 4 days ago. If she really wanted to say something she would have said something then or perhaps she had to wait to get her cocaine balls on.
I don’t know, but either way I knew Shwolf was behind it. In fact, it was probably the ugly toad himself texting me.
Satisfied with how I handled that situation I fell fast asleep.
I couldn’t wait to get back to Chicago for a little bit. #nowthatsthefuckingtea