Honestly- I could give a bum’s dick if he sees it. I hope he reads it every night before he goes to bed. But I’m pretty sure he doesn’t. He couldn’t face this. He doesn’t like the truth. Truth and Real: two words he does not like, so he would implode if he read it.
This is not for him. This is about me coping with residual emotions and feelings that I did not deal with right after I left him 2 years ago.
I was the abused that became the abuser in a way. I separated myself, gained clarity and went back to be abused again.
After I separated myself from him I should have stayed away for good and healed myself then, but all I wanted to do was go out. It did not help that I lost a good friend in October of 2016 to an overdose.
My Grandpa passed away April 2017. I felt nothing. That’s when I knew something was really wrong. I needed to go home and be around my family for a while.
I was emotionally stunted, incapable of feeling anything until I finally decided I needed to face this.
I didn’t understand why all this shit was coming out of me a year later. I thought I was over it, but I successfully hid from it for a long time.
I masked the pain with wine and social settings. You can’t heal if you’re numbing yourself.
Now, I’m a hermit. I love staying home because I’m okay with being alone.
This may sound crazy, but initially the person that I fell for was myself. Shwolf was mirroring me- That goofy, crazy, intelligent, funny, bubbly guy was essentially all characteristics of me.
I did not love Shwolf. I loved who I thought he was, that is why it was so easy for me to say and do all of the shitty things that I did in retaliation. If you truly love someone you just walk away even if they do you wrong, you don’t wish bad things on them and plot against them.
So if I could love myself in another person there is no challenge in loving me as myself. I’m a fucking blast, I’m witty, I’m goofy, I’m honest, deep down I am a good person. I just don’t take people’s shit very well obviously. I don’t fuck with people until they fuck with me first.
Writing is a release for me. The only reason it’s on a platform is because I’ve been told by multiple sources that it’s good, hilarious, and shouldn’t just be sitting in my computer.
I do not want to hurt anyone. That’s why the names are changed. Trust me I have no problem putting someone on blast, but this is not for that. It’s not meant to be malicious. It’s meant so others can read this and relate.
It is honest and unfiltered and I don’t really give a shit if it offends people or someone doesn’t like it. Especially Shwolf.
He knows everything that happened. He was there. I have said all these things to his face. I’ve said awful things to and about his friends and I’ve said awful things to Griselda. It’s all in there.
It’s me coming to terms with my pain and emotions and the pain I have most likely caused others with my spiteful words and actions. I could say I’m sorry, but I was not sorry then AT ALL… I may feel bad about a few things, but I’m not sorry. So it would be fake, which I think you can deduct from my writing that I am far from that. But I FORGIVE, I wish no harm, and want to maintain the peace I feel that I so desperately wanted after all of this occurred.
“The truth shall set you free.” & “Time heals all wounds.” are two sayings that I used to hear all the time. They are absolutely 100% true. #nowthatsthefuckingtea