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The Birthday Main Event

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On his actual birthday a couple days later after the bat incident, I went to his place to give him back his gift.  He brought it back over to my place with a nasty note inside and left it with my doorman. I was not surprised he went all the way out of his way to bring back the records and make me feel worse than I already did about what happened over the weekend. “Your crazy ex dropped this off for you.” the doorman said. He was the one always getting the noise complaints when Shwolf would come over. They asked me numerous times if I wanted him banned from the building. “That guy has some strong vocal cords, we can hear him in the lobby.” they would joke with me.

He didn’t want to see me, which was fine, but I still wanted him to have the records. I had no use for them. Hopefully the record player still worked after the swift kick it took (it did). I apologized for my behavior and he just kept telling me to “get the fuck out.” because he was trying to enjoy his birthday dinner alone. He was so unforgiving when I made a mistake, but I was supposed to forgive him instantly for the multiple things he pulled on me including chasing my friend out of my apartment, which is the exact same thing he was telling me to “get the fuck out” for. Here’s the tea….

As I was walking towards the door to leave he said something rude under his breath. Why does he do this?  I’m leaving and he’s still talking shit to me. He wants to fight. He does this on purpose.

My hand was on the doorknob. I was going to leave like he asked, but he got up from the table.

“Take these fucking stupid records. I don’t want them!” he threw the gift bag towards me, the records spilling all over the floor.

He was walking towards me yelling.

I was in the corner with nowhere to go but out the door. He lifted his hands like he was going to grab me and I punched him in his mouth. Two times, three times, again, I kept swinging until I saw the blood dripping from his mouth.

Holy shit. I couldn’t believe he didn’t knock me out.

“I’m bleeding!!!!!!” he yelled. Realizing what I had done I turned and ran out the door. My heart was pounding out of my chest.

I ran the 6 blocks back to my apartment, crying the whole way.

What am I doing? Why am I still talking to this man? I just beat the shit out of him on his birthday.

Yeah, he’s an asshole, but I did not want to be the one to do it.

I would have rather heard he was at a bar and someone kicked his ass or he got ran over by his wife or something.

In reality it was just a culmination of the drama that had transpired prior to the “Birthday Beating” that made me snap and of course the throwing of the records did not help, because I thoughtfully picked them out even after the horrible things he said and did to me.

When I got to my place I went straight to my bed and cried.

Shwolf was calling me. I did not want to talk to him. I did not want to be around him anymore. This was beyond toxic and most certainly was not worth my “Snapped” episode.

I hated him so much that I couldn’t help but get physically violent when he confronted me. All the times he threw me on the bed, slammed me into walls, hit me, screamed at me and made me feel worthless were coming out of me in physical rages. I had no problem putting my hands on this man now. In fact, I justified it with the past. In my mind, at that time he deserved it. It was scary.

Finally I answered his call. He was strangely calm probably because he knew this was going to play to his advantage as the victim.

I could just see him walking around town with a bandage on his face telling any female that would listen about his horrible abusive ex- girlfriend that gave herself an abortion with a hanger right before his eyes in the hallway like Demi Moore in “If These Walls Could Talk”.  He was going to milk the shit out of our past trauma to anyone with a vagina, including his mother. I already knew it because that is just the type of person he is. He loved making people feel sorry for him, while vilianizing exes and friends, and he was good at it.

“We can’t do this anymore, Shwolf. There is too much anger and resentment between us.” I said. “I know.” he replied.

I apologized for what I did to him on his birthday. I genuinely did feel bad.

“I didn’t want it to be like this. I wanted to give you your gift and leave.” I said.

“Is your mouth okay? Are you okay?” I asked him. “Yeah, I’m fine. I just knew I shouldn’t have trained you on the fucking heavy bag.” he said.

We both knew we needed to stop this back and forth drama. I felt my horrible actions were justified because of what he put me through. He felt his retaliations were justified because at this time I really was doing crazy shit.

What we were doing was wrong. I was just as psychotic and bad as he was at this point. We needed to break this toxic cycle and let everything go. It should have been easy. We were horrible for each other and we both knew it.

We agreed we should not see each other anymore, but like two toxic magnets, we would somehow be drawn together again whether we liked it or not. #nowthatsthefuckingtea

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