One Tequila, Two Tequila, Three Tequila… SHOW TIME!

New Readers read: The Wicked Dick of the South, Nightmare on 7th St. pt 1,2,3, The Wars 1&2 & Who Exactly is this Terd

It was Shwolf’s birthday week. When we first met in 2015 we spent his birthday together. It was one of the best weeks ever. Everything about it was wonderful. I remember reflecting back on how great it was the year prior and getting really upset. Crazy how drastic things can change over the course of a year. Even though I hated him I still bought him a gift. I did not want to spend the weekend with him though, because I did not want to confuse myself. I went to see him early in the day on the Saturday before his birthday. We spent some time together, but I had an event to go to later in the evening. “I can’t believe you’re leaving me to go to work on my birthday!” he said. I was financially independent now and missing work was not an option. “You’ll be fine with the sheep.” I said. Here’s the tea…

“Well, make sure you call me later. I’m probably just going to sit here all alone.” he said. He was really laying it on thick, but I knew he was not just going to sit there.

I went to work and finished up early.

Since he made me feel so bad about him sitting alone earlier I called him to make sure he had plans. He ignored my call.

Whatever. I went to dinner with my friend that was in town for the weekend and figured he would call me back if he wanted to hang out.

He never called. I tried to call him again. No answer.

He had given me a key to the apartment again, so when I got out of school I could take the dogs out and visit with them while he was at work.

“Let’s just stop by Shwolf’s, use the bathroom and make sure the dogs are okay. Maybe he fell asleep. We can wake him up and he can come out with us.” I told my friend.

She was annoyed with me. She did not understand why I was trying to make his birthday special after everything he put me through. “Dude, fuck him. Who cares?!” she yelled at me.

She did not want to go there, but we went anyway because we valeted my car at the nightmare building to go to the bar across the street.

I opened the door and was greeted by the dogs. I heard laughter from the balcony.

He was there with some sheep.

Fantastic… Now I look like the psycho coming to the apartment because he’s ignoring my calls. Shwolf walked in from the balcony. “You’re an asshole. You could have answered my call and told me you had company. Who is here, Fiona and the sheep?”

“Kash, stop!!” he said. “Stop what? You’re the one that guilt tripped me earlier in the day about leaving you all alone. I came here to use the bathroom and check the dogs. We are going to Blackbird.” I said.

“Oh that’s real nice!” he replied. “I was calling to invite you, but you’re too busy with the clowns to even text me you’re busy, so fuck off.” I said.

I grabbed $100 from the drawer. This is for ruining my dinner and making me feel guilty earlier.” I said, turning to leave.

“I’m not even doing anything!” he said. I really didn’t give a shit what he was doing. It was the fact he made me feel so bad about leaving him earlier and he was ignoring me for no reason. All he had to do was say he was out or had company.

“Whatever Shwolf. Enjoy it,” I said as my friend and I walked out the door.

We walked across the street to the bar. My friend and I were dancing and taking shots of tequila. I do not normally drink tequila, so after three shots I was pretty much done.

My friend found this cute guy, so she was off dancing and I was getting shitty texts from Shwolf. I was pretty drunk, but something he texted triggered me.

“I need another shot!” I yelled to the bartender. I was sitting there livid. I hated how he had the power to ruin my night just by existing.

By now I was pretty intoxicated thinking of how he chased my guy friend out of my apartment.

You know what… Fuck this I thought. I was going to do the same thing to him, so he can feel how embarrassing it is to have friends chased out of your own apartment.

I told my friend I was leaving for a bit and I texted Shwolf that if his friends did not leave I was coming upstairs with a bat and there was going to be problems.

It was crazy, I know, but I was so drunk and in revenge mode for what he had done to me  (read Wicked Dick of the South) that I did not even care. I got my car from the valet, popped my trunk and grabbed my bat. I told them to park it close because I was leaving soon.

The sheep were scurrying out of the building. I thought about busting all of their knee-caps, but they were all fucked up, so hopefully they would just crash into a ditch.

I was on level 12 out of 10 drunk on tequila. I kept the bat just in case I needed to use it on Shwolf.

I marched through the lobby, bat in hand right past the security like a lunatic. I dragged the bat against the wall until I was standing in front of the apartment we once shared.

Show time!

I swung open the door. “WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE CHASING MY FRIENDS OUT LIKE THAT?!” Shwolf yelled. “OOOOOO YOU DON’T LIKE IT DO YOU? EMBARASSING RIGHT?” I replied. “Those are my friends. You were fucking that guy!” (no I absolutely was not, but that’s how he justified it) “Why the fuck do you have a bat, Kash. This is insane!.” he said.

“Oh is it??” I don’t exactly recall what I smashed first, but I just started smashing things with the bat; glasses, picture frames, anything glass and breakable.

Shwolf ran towards me trying to stop me. “YOU’RE INSANE! STOP!” he said. He grabbed the bat out of my hands.

I was not done though.

I walked over to his new record player he just bought. I kicked it across the room. I was having a good ol’ time.

Shwolf was watching me in disbelief. “Why are you doing this, Kash!?” he said moving into the hallway. I was not scared of him at all at this point. He could have knocked my teeth out and I wouldn’t have felt it until the morning.

I walked up to him and put my nose to his and said, “You made me this way! You don’t like it?” Then I said something about how he should get a divorce before he starts knocking people up or something awful like that…

I could see the rage in his eyes. I was waiting for him to put his hands on me, but he didn’t. He turned to go into the bedroom and lay down.

I was too drunk to go anywhere, so I just went and passed out on the couch.

The next day I woke up not really remembering what happened. But the destruction was all around me. Whoops!

Shwolf came walking out of the bedroom. “I want my keys back.” he said. I did not blame him. Now we’re even. #nowthatsthefuckingtea


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