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The War:Part 1

New Readers read “Who Exactly is This Terd” &  “Nightmare on 7th Street 1, 2, & 3”

Shwolf left to stay at his “mother’s condo”. We couldn’t even be in the same place together. I was trying to figure out a way for us to co-parent, but he didn’t want anything to do with the idea. He just kept telling me how unprepared we were and how all the pressure was on him financially. That’s all he seemed to care about was money that didn’t even really exist. He kept disappearing, so I knew that if I went through with it and stayed in Miami he was going to be gone most of the time. Using his “condition” and inability to handle stress as an excuse to run around like a dickhead. I had to move back to Chicago to be with my family. There were obstacles though. I was not finished with my program at school yet, and he was most likely going to go after me for custody if I left. Here’s the tea…

One night I was sitting alone in my apartment, as usual. My mother called me in the morning and at night because she was worried about me. “Kash, I am scared for you. I don’t know what is going on! We just got done watching Dateline and it was about this football player and his pregnant girlfriend… and he killed her.” she whispered the last part. I knew I shouldn’t have sent her the voicemail of him threatening to kill me, but in case something happened I wanted her to have it.

“MOM! THANK YOU! IM GOING TO BED!” I replied and hung up on her. I love my mother dearly, but her timing and delivery is on the same level as the grim reaper. As if I didn’t have enough to worry about. My mind started to wander. Well his friends are pretty shady. They’d probably help him hide my body.– STOP! I told myself, but I really didn’t know anything about these people other than what he told me and I concluded for myself. They sucked.

He’s threatened to kill me over the dogs before. Imagine what he’ll do over two children that are half of him. I walked out on to the balcony and I looked down. I thought about jumping. I was so overwhelmed and sad that it seemed like the best option, but I did not want to give him the satisfaction of knowing I killed myself over all of this. He was most definitely not worth that.

I sat there and thought about the future. What a toll our toxic relationship would take on my family if I went back to Chicago. I did not want to subject my family to this psychopath’s malignant behavior. I come from a good midwestern family. My mother sings “Happy Birthday” to a ceramic baby Jesus on Christmas for Christ sake. I couldn’t subject them to a lifetime of this madness. It was bad enough I was dealing with it.

Shwolf brought the absolute worst out of me. I was just as destructive as he was at this point.

I thought about adoption, but decided against it because I would not want some poor family to fall victim when he decided to hunt down his children.

“No-one else is going to raise my kids.” I remember him saying ruling out adoption or even the possibility of me finding someone less crazy down the line to potentially be with. He was going to destroy my life any way he could. If I went through with it he’d be there forever, like a hemorrhoid that just wont go away, flaring up whenever he felt like it.

The craziest thing was he was accusing me of destroying his life. He somehow managed to twist all of this into my fault and he had three loyal Sheep who had his back. I did not move myself down to South Florida alone. I did not promise myself all these things and fail to deliver. It was the craziest scenario I had ever found myself in and I just wanted it to be over. It literally was a nightmare.

I thought about if I did lose custody how I would probably never see them again because of how vindictive he is. I thought about Fiona mockingly telling me she was going to be their stepmother over text. I certainly did not want to potentially subject them to that even if she was just being cruel. I was being told I was half the woman she was and a useless human being who was incapable of taking care of myself let alone two babies, yet she was the one begging my soon to be ex- boyfriend for gas money, and to go on trips with her while all of this was going on. The projection and irony of this situation still shocks me to this day. So much for all that authenticity she prided herself on. Authentically shitty, but whatever works.

I trusted and had no one in South Florida except my friend Nina Kray and she had her own issues. I found myself talking to the last person I ever expected quite often, Shwolf’s wife.

Whether it was genuine or not she really helped me get through this. Her story helped me to see that I was not the problem, but he was a creature of self-destructive habit capable of pulling you right down with him if one allowed it. He was a walking contradiction of himself doing whatever was best, or siding with whoever would serve him better at that specific time.

Was I a bitch sometimes? Absolutely. I refused to let him walk all over me and lie to me. But I did not deserve all this, because as evil and as crazy as he made me out to be I did really care for him, or whom I thought he was at least.

It was nice to have someone to talk to that knew the “real Shwolf” instead of his fake persona. I would tell his wife things about what he used to do and she would just laugh. “Typical. That’s his M.O.,” she would say. He used to leave her for weekends at a time to go “fishing”, but he was really down the street at his mistress’ apartment.

I know I wasn’t really supposed to, but I actually kind of liked her. It was the strangest thing. It was like, Hey; I’m pregnant with your husband. Give me advice! — It doesn’t get much more fucked up than that, but considering who I was with it was not that far fetched.

****

Shwolf looked through my phone one day and saw I had been speaking to his wife for quite some time. In a fit of rage he went into the bedroom and ripped my entire side of the closet apart. Every piece of clothing I owned was thrown all over the floor.

During this time neither of us were really taking care of the dogs like we normally would, so they were only going out once a day, so the rest of the time they would go in our closet.

I walked into the bedroom and saw all of my clothes on the floor covered in piss and shit. It was only appropriate for the way my life was going at that time. I didn’t even bother to pick it up. I just started to pack my things into boxes from the floor sorting the pee and shit covered items out to go in the washing machine.

Shwolf was working hard to prove that I deserved all of this though. I was very reactive at this point in time and he used that to his advantage. This man and the people he surrounded himself with were fucked up in the head. Shwolf’s behavior was acceptable to them because they were all just as rotten with criminal records and similar situations like ours in their pasts. Birds of a feather flock together.

It was clear to me that I could not go through with this. I needed to get away from him and all of these people. It wouldn’t just negatively affect my life, but everyone’s around me. That is if I wasn’t killed before I gave birth. I was going to have to make the toughest decision I would ever have to make in my entire life. #nowthatsthefuckingtea  TO BE CONTINUED…

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