The Legend of the Galloping Trolls

“I gotta train these ho’s!” Noxema Jackson would obnoxiously say whenever anyone headed for the stairs to go to the dressing room. Not on his watch. You had to make his 15%.

Aside from Noxema’s clown antics, my favorite strip club to work at was Diamonds, located in DuPage county, IL. If it sounds unfamiliar it’s because it no longer exists. I ended up there because I was tired of the full nude clubs where they could touch waist up. I heard Diamonds was full nude, but no contact, so I decided to try it out even though it was close to home. Everyone knew I was a stripper by now anyway. The group of girls I worked with at Diamonds was awesome! Everyone was attractive and we all got along for the most part, which is rare at a strip club. The only problem, which turned out to be a huge problem, was the management. Here’s the tea…

Diamonds was a big rectangular building located on the corner of North Ave. On the inside it was very plain. There was a row of chairs lined up against the far wall opposite of the entrance. This is where we gave the dances. Right there, full nude out in the open. Why would anyone want a no contact dance, out in the open with someone they’ve been seeing naked all night?– I still to this day do not know, but I was always busy in that club. The consistency of cash flow every night and the fact no one could touch me were the main reasons why it was my favorite club.

“Penguin”, was the manager. We called him Penguin because he looked similar to Danny DeVito’s character in Batman.  This guy ran the show. What a fat sack of shit this guy was. Penguin treated the girls horribly. I had never worked at a club and been treated with so much disrespect until I worked there.

Penguin’s friend, Noxema Jackson was a real trip. This abomination used to refer to us as ho’s. Ho this, ho that. We would get new girls at the club and they would do something wrong and he would shout, “Oh Lord, I gotta train these ho’s!” He would do high kicks in the club and dance like he worked there.

“Who hired this asshole?” I asked Isabella. “It’s Penguin’s friend. He’s our house dad slash floor guy.” she said. He truthfully was just that. It was like RuPaul and DJay from Hustle and Flow had a baby and dropped him right at Diamonds. I’d never met anyone like this tranny wannabe pimp in my life.

It bothered me 15% of my money was going into this man’s pocket. I couldn’t stand him, but for a consistent minimum $300 during the week and $600-$1000 on the weekends, I’ll deal with his mouth for a few hours I reasoned.  My relationship with this strip club was like a relationship where the woman wants to leave, but is so financially dependent on the man she could not possibly go anywhere.

Fast forward a few months later, Diamonds lost their liquor license because DuPage County was tired of all the problems the club supposedly caused. We all knew when that happened the club was done. The money started to dwindle and I began to question why I was still there dealing with the nonsense. The money was not the same and the management’s behaviors were getting worse.

They would lock the door to the dressing room, so we were forced to be out on the floor. One night the heat was broken in January and Penguin told the girls that were huddled in the kitchen for warmth they better get out on the floor and start dancing to warm up or they were each getting $500 fines. I was not there for that, Thank God. I probably would have snapped sooner.

The final straw for me was after my friend passed away. Another girl that worked there, Halia, knew him as well. We were both upset and took a few days off. I was feeling better and I decided to go back to work to take my mind off of it. When I got to the club Penguin stood behind the desk like the fat slob he was and said to me “Oh, are you and Halia banging the same guy? Is there really a need for all these days off?” I ignored the question and walked upstairs to change. It was in that moment I debated going out to my car, getting my bat and bludgeoning his fat head into pieces.

I changed and went out on the floor. I was sitting at the bar when Halia, Isabella, and Krystal came up to me to complain how slow it was in there. Noxema Jackson came up and said “You ho’s better get to work.” And that was it. “Fuck this”, I said. “I’m done”. The only one that hesitated to go upstairs was Isabella. “Where are we going to work?” she said. “Not here! We’re leaving.” I told her. She was fed up too.

That was it, we all four committed to quitting. We marched upstairs together. “Where the fuck are you going? Get down here!” shouted Noxema. “WE QUIT!” we said. We all packed our stuff. “Well, you’re fired!” said Noxema. “You can’t fire us. WE ALREADY QUIT!” I shouted as we all tried to lift Halia’s big trunk of outfits and carry it downstairs. We marched out of the building not knowing what the hell any of us were going to do, but we felt great! We would forever be known as “Halia and The Galloping Trolls”! I was totally fine with that. #bitchbye #nowthatsthefuckingtea

The picture below shows a comment left by Noxema Jackson after we walked out. This is a grown man leaving comments like this, let me remind you. HILARIOUS, and will forever be a Kash Klassic. Fired… LOL!


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