At the age of two I was reciting the Gettysburg Address by memory. At the age of seven I was telling my mother’s friends that complained of back pain that they “should really look into posturepedic support.” At the age of thirteen I was a 3 sport athlete on the honor roll with dreams to go to Purdue or UConn to play one of the sports I loved. At the age of seventeen I was working in a tanning salon rocking a “Snookie” Jersey Shore poof with my girl JEN WHAAAT! By the age of 19—I was a stripper.
I am not quite sure what happened in that 17 year gap, but somehow, I ended up in a strip club. I’ll try it once I thought. I had friends that were doing amateur nights and winning. The Heavenly Bodies commercial was always on the radio… “Bills piling up, creditors on your back… Ladies we can change all thaaat!” If you’re from Chicago you’ve definitely heard it.
Besides money, those were the two motivators for me to give it a try. After contemplating it for a few weeks I decided to go audition somewhere far away to cut out the chances of running into anyone I knew. Scrolling through the strip club list I saw Diamonds, NOPE—to close. Crazy Rock, might as well invite my high school to my audition.. 390… Hm. What is this? Chicago Heights- never even heard of it! Perfect! Off I go! Here’s the tea…
It was a girl that auditioned me, so automatically I felt more comfortable. I got hired wearing a black crop button down top and booty shorts with a diamond choker necklace. I looked more like a lawyer with no pants on than a stripper. LOL! “Can you start tonight?” she asked. Without hesitation I said, “Yes!” She led me into the dressing room, went over rules and told me I could go out whenever I was ready. My heart was beating out of my chest. Am I really here? I walked out of the dressing room and walked up to the first person I saw. “I’m new, want a dance?” I said. “Yeah, I saw you audition. Sure, let’s go.” he said. Okay that was easy, but then it occurred to me I have no clue how to even give a dance. I started to panic. The new song started… Oh well here goes! Long story short, he must have liked my topless (it’s a full nude club) jerky motion, unconfident as fuck dance because he gave me $150 for 4 dances which was $120. “I’ll come back and see you!” he said. Me—I didn’t say anything because I was mesmerized by the fact he just handed me $150 after 12 minutes of awful dancing. I’m sure I eventually said thank you, but that was it. I wanted more! “I’m new, want a dance?” I do not even think I actually spoke to anyone. I was like a lunatic in this club just going from person to person asking if they wanted a dance. At the end of the night the manager told me to go change and meet her in the office. I changed and counted my money, a little over $500. I could feel the wires in my brain reconnecting. I WAS RICH! $500 DOLLARS IN FIVE HOURS! I barely made that in a week! I could do this everyday I said to myself. I shoved the money in my bag and burst through the door. Jumped in my car and took my “rich ass” home. I’m going to be a millionaire if I do this everyday and save my money. Who needs school?! I made it home safely and couldn’t wait to go back tomorrow!
The next night I walked in the manager seemed surprised to see me. “We thought you quit, you just left and didn’t pay tip out or anything.” she said. WHOOPS! I honestly didn’t know I had to. Then I remembered she told me to meet her in the office. I apologized and because I was new she said she’d waive the house fees for a week, but I had to double up on my tip out tonight. I agreed, changed, and repeated my whole routine from last night. “I’m new, want a dance.” I said and continued to say probably until after 2 months of working there. You have to go with what works, right?
Night two was over, I made a little less- $450. I walked into the office and sat down across from the manager. “You owe $175.” she said. $175, that’s almost half of my money. WTF? I must’ve looked very confused because she then started to breakdown what I owed for.. house mom, dj, dances, tip out tonight and last nights…My head started to hurt. I looked down at my money, that leaves me with $275. I handed her the money and just walked out BEYOND PISSED. How can they just take my money like that? Now I have to go back tomorrow and get that $175. I did not want to work. I wanted to go out with my girlfriends, but I needed to make that money they just took from me back! How unfair! I’ll come back tomorrow, I told myself. And so it goes, TRUE LIFE: I’m addicted to fast money. TO BE CONTINUED… #nowthatstherealfuckingtea< >